I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
