Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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