Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
