my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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