i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
