can we get nightvision for the apartment?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
