Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
