I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
