this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
