WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
