Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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