When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
