TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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