Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
