I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
