Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
