She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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