he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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