I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
