He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
