i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
