i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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