remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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