you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
