Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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