we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
