I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
