why didn't you poke me back
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
