his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
