if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize