i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize