Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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