I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
