it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dicks are not precious.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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