I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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