You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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