I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
the liver wants what the liver wants
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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