CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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