I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize