WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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