I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize