Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
