Umm I'm too high to move.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
