: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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