Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
