The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
