Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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