seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
