You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize