I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
