so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
