i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
