Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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