Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
