I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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