i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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