How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I understand Curling. That high.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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