I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
