if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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