and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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