I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
