I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
