Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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