grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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